(Repurposed from some comments at
“Passive rejection” is a developing meme among a lot of women. Women claim to suffer rejection from attractive men when those men don’t approach them and don’t ask them out.
It’s essentially a claim that women feel the sting of rejection when attractive men ignore them, don’t approach, and don’t ask for dates. I’m seeing women argue that “passive rejection” is every bit as valid as “active rejection” is done to a man, i.e., he approaches or asks, and she turns him down or blows him out.
There are more recent examples; but I’ll point to one here. Discussion starts at the link below.
Sigyn: “[Average “nice guys”] get attention. Believe me, they get attention. There’s a girl right over there whose heart soars every time he walks into the room–but because society has this expectation that “nice girls wait to be asked”, she will never make the move. And he won’t, either, because SHE’S NOT ON HIS RADAR. They’d suit each other perfectly–she’d fly to the moon and back to please him–but for some reason he’s not interested in her, so it doesn’t even occur to him that he’s getting attention from her (i.e., it’s not the kind of attention he wants, from the kind of girl he expects).”
deti: “As for your Sixteen Candles scenario, well, I’m sure it happens. In this SMP there’s nothing stopping her from making her attraction known. Actually, he’s not getting ATTENTION from her. She’s not giving him any attention. She likes him from afar. That’s not attention. That’s just unrequited, unexpressed attraction.”
Sigyn: “It’s incompletely expressed attraction. She does things for him. She speaks kindly to him, a little more warmly than most, and compliments him as much as she feels comfortable doing. She remembers his birthday and makes him a cupcake. When someone does him wrong, she takes his side fervently. After they meet, she may doll herself up a little. She may even go so far as to suggest “hanging out together, oh just casually, later this week”–and if he asks if it will be just the two of them, she quickly offers to invite some other friends because “nice girls wait to be asked” and “men don’t want to be pursued”. And the whole time, she’s just thinking to herself, “I like you so much, ask me, ask me, I’m right here and I’ll say yes, can’t you see I’ll say yes?””
The above is an example of what is claimed to be “passive rejection” — where a woman simply admires a man from afar. There is no interaction, or there is very limited interaction. And she views the mutual inaction and inertia as “rejection”.
TYPES OF REJECTION
Rejection doesn’t work the way Sigyn claimed in the above exchange. One is not being “rejected” unless one actually takes some form of action. One is not rejected unless and until one does something or a series of things which will be either “accepted” or “approved”, or “declined” or “rejected”.
Women reject men “covertly” and “overtly”.
We all know about overt rejection – the nuclear blowout. The “LJBF”. The polite let down.
Then there’s the protection shield. The “don’t even THINK about it, loser” vibe that a lot of women put out.
There’s also the bitchface look that women show to men who approach them. That’s the facial expression that says “there is no way I will EVER go out with you, so Do. Not. Even. Ask.” Or it’s the expression that says “what is this thing that dares to address me?”
There are also women who just aren’t very socially astute. They exude social discomfort and unease. Some of these women believe that all men will immediately go from “hi” to sex. A few militant, maladjusted women fervently believe that all men are rapists. Or, they just don’t know how to read or respond to it when a man shows attraction.
None of these, however, are the same thing as “passive rejection” that women complain of with men. In the cases I’m describing, there is interaction. There is, at the very least, a man observing a woman and drawing conclusions about her, her body language, her expression, her mien, her bearing, her attitude, and the odds of her saying yes or no (as well as the odds of a very public nuclear rejection and/or a sexual harassment complaint). There is the cost-benefit analysis. He assesses the odds, and makes a decision based on what he observes.
In “passive rejection”, there’s no interaction. Nothing actually “happens”. There is only her admiration of him from afar. There is only her seeing him and noticing him across a room, or over time. There are only her maelstrom of feelings. The woman is attracted to the man but builds it all up in her mind and is crushed when nothing happens.
FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS
“Passive rejection” is nothing but feelings. It is nothing other than what an individual experiences in her own mind and heart. It is not even an exchange. There is no interaction, no conversation. There is only “I feel bad because that attractive man won’t pay any attention to me”.
It is not that she WAS rejected. It is that she FEELS bad because she did not get something she wanted, yet wasn’t willing to do anything to pursue what she wanted. When a woman steps up to a man she finds attractive and she asks him out, and he says no, then, and only then, can she say that he rejected her. Until that point, there are only her feelings. There is only what she feels.
Feelings are not interchangeable with facts. It is true that she feels this way. Feelings are real. But feelings are not the same thing as facts. Facts exist independently of what someone thinks, feels or believes about them. Feelings are entirely and completely a product of an individual’s own mind and heart.
The subtle innuendo here, of course, is “That attractive man is a bad man because he is ignoring me. Therefore, it is all his fault.” The innuendo is that the rejection is not something she feels, but is something that the attractive man does to her by omission and by failing to act. Therefore, it is his fault that she feels this way. He is somehow responsible for her feelings.
This is all a bit like saying “I would like that job. I want that job. I would like to do that job. But I am not going to do anything to try to get that job. I am going to hang back here and wait for that employer to approach me and offer me that job. Oh no! That employer isn’t talking to me! I’ve been rejected!”
No, you weren’t rejected. You didn’t get that job because you didn’t do anything to try to actually get hat job.
If “passive rejection” is so powerfully horrendous, and just as bad as being directly rejected from an approach, then there is no reason a woman cannot and should not simply make the direct approach of the man she is interested in. If she thinks she will be rejected but she is interested, she might as well make the approach and talk to the man. Yet the vast majority of women will not do this. They are terrified to approach. Yet, these selfsame women will sit back, do nothing, and tolerate the “passive rejection”.
No one, male or female, is “passively rejected”. There is no such thing as “incompletely expressed attraction”. You didn’t get what you wanted because you didn’t do anything to pursue it, or because what you did to pursue it was insufficient, or you just didn’t have what it takes to get it.
The old rules don’t apply anymore. That much is clear from society’s completely doing away with beta males as good husband material. Good providers are universally seen as chumps. Most women will without mercy or second thought reject kind and good hearted men. Men cannot attract women with provider bona fides or affable, forthright conduct.
It is the same for women. The old rules of “hang back and let the guys come to you” and “nice girls don’t pursue” and “nice girls don’t call guys for dates” and “nice girls don’t do the asking”? Those rules are dead. Women who want good men will have to go out there and find one. You are going to have to beat the bushes and pull them out of the woodwork. Good man you find attractive? YOU have to go to HIM. YOU have to make your interest known — clearly and unmistakably — to HIM.
There is much digital complaining from women about alleged “male sexual entitlement” (a nonentity if ever there was one). The whining about “passive rejection” and complaining about insufficient attention from attractive men sounds much to me like female emotional entitlement and female relational entitlement. Certain women claim they are entitled to emotional investment from any man they desire, with no conditions on any sort of concomitant investment from her. These women demand that men give them attention and relationships whenever they want, on their schedules, at their whim, and with no reciprocation on their part.
Women are not entitled to anything from any men. Women are not entitled to attention from men. Women are not entitled to a man’s emotional availability. Women are not entitled to a man’s time, money, resources, commitment, or sexual fidelity.